Tasty Delusions

Other than the blatant obvious repercussions of being intolerant of the lactose fame, are the pangs of envy and cravings from not having always been so and wanting to consume, engorge, bathe in the many delicious dishes and creations that involve tremendous amounts of cheese, cream and any other dairy variations. And so, begins the disheartening tour of dairy-free alternatives and replacements to satiate oneself. Which, usually taste as gross as they look and at some point after trying watery sauces, plastic cheese and dry tasteless desserts you have to accept and acknowledge things will never be the same.

Dairy is its own unique entity. Its composition cannot be simply recreated, even with multiple ingredients to mimic each of its many attributes: sweet, smooth and creamy, deliciously hearty viscosity, savory, and even its refreshing simplicity-- it always pales in comparison.

There is always the ambitious route of creating your own dairy-free versions. Upon searching for recipes to recreate the magic of dairy you find a plethora of recipes that tout the similarities to its original dairy version. As expected, the reviews of it creates a sense of excitement with the details of how you'll never notice the difference and how they made it one night for their non-lactose intolerant friends and they had no idea it was made without dairy. It gives you hope, even though deep inside you know they're probably lying and their delusions have left them with no taste buds. You search and search to find a recipe that you could possibly see as being good, as something tasty-- no matter if it was supposed to be dairy-free or not.

My most recent ambition included making an alfredo sauce that would be creamy in the slightest. I found a recipe (touting all the same claims) and proceeded to go out and get the silken tofu, unflavored soy milk and crossed my fingers I would be able to down it all no matter how it turned out. For, in addition to this all being an inconvenience and a lot more effort, it also is a lot more expensive. So, you hope it's worth the $10 you just spent to replace the 1 cup of milk you'd need in the normal recipe.

I wash, rinse, cut, chop and all things go according to plan... the spices smell right, it looks right, it has the color, it has the consistency-- that's when I started to have this crazy idea. Maybe those reviews were right and think 'hey, maybe I really can fool some people into eating this.' I fell for the claims that this is a great fix and that those other non lactose intolerant people really did have no idea and they actually loved it!

My sister was around when I was done and was curious, she's of course much more skeptical of any ingredient being taken out or replaced for health reasons. She'll go for full fat versions of things to retain the integrity of taste-- essentially, she is hard to convince that anything made from a bean paste will be as good as a cheese sauce. In my head I am secretly thinking, maybe this will be it. Something that she may actually believe to be good. She would be one of the first of those lactose tolerant friends that I would try this recipe out on.

I almost can't wait for that first taste of it all together and finished. So, I sit down, because this is a real meal I've created from scratch and proceed to take the first bite to savor it: all the hard work, time, money spent to make this moment.... this absolutely... most definitely... and by far utter failure of a moment.

Hopes, dreams: crushed.

My sister sat next to me and asked, "So... how is it?"

I, naturally, never shared the previous delusions that this could've turned out so excellently and responded nonchalantly with a hint of bitterness, "not alfredo-like."

I came back to my senses and realized how foolish it was to ever really fall for such falsities and that it was my own fault for expecting the recipe I found online on someone's blog to be good at all. For the most part, it wasn't bad. It just clearly wasn't alfredo. It usually never is bad, but it always is still so clearly not the same.

So, in the end I was left with a huge pot of this lactose-free fakeness, and since I was hungry and spent all that time making it, I ate it. Begrudgingly, of course. I hatefully stabbed each piece of pasta covered in that foolish imitation wondering how stupid those guests had to have been. Then, I thought that maybe it wasn't the guests, it was the host whose lactose tolerant friends may indeed have had no idea it was dairy free. With that oblivion to the dish's ingredients the host may have taken it to be a compliment and found themselves caught up in their own odd fantasy of how excellent their culinary skills were and wrote their post accordingly. And of course, back in reality the guests indeed may not have truly known what it was in the sauce but assumed this person was just a really bad cook. 'Ohhh, that explains the grainy consistency-- I was afraid the milk had gone bad.'

I wasn't that upset about it, but I definitely wouldn't make it again, I 'll probably just opt for the real thing-- in small amounts, undoubtedly. I do have to say, that silken tofu adventure wasn't a complete loss-- it does make a nice smoothie. Even your non lactose-intolerant friends will LOVE IT!

These Magic Beans Are Useless

We have a mouse in our apartment.

While watching bad tv, me and my sister contemplated how this mouse got in and where it goes when it's not making its foul appearance running across the room. That conversation didn't go very far. There was bad tv to entertain us.

We watch bad tv because we can't change the channel without having to get up, and have no idea where the remote could've disappeared to. And, after going back and forth a couple times trying to convince each other it was one another's turn to change the channel we, of course, then concluded that the mouse ate it and it was his turn.

So I drew a picture to represent this kleptomaniac mouse. I also lost a jean skirt my freshmen year of college, I assume this mouse ate it too so that is depicted in the illustration as well.

Is No News really Good News?

I am the easiest sell in the world. At a going away party on the eve of a friend moving for a job in Boston, he asked if I wanted to go with him for the weekend since I don't really have any immediate obligations. I thought about it for roughly 2 seconds and I was sold.

The next morning, in a rented car me and two guys went to Boston. The trip included mostly just drinking and sitting in a car contemplating the likelihood of a stabbing of any given place-- that place looks stabby, that one looks nice, that one looks shooty.

But thats all I needed.

SO glad I didn't decide to move there though. I like New York.

On another note, it's time for me to go buy some clothes to further put off doing laundry.