Tasty Delusions

Other than the blatant obvious repercussions of being intolerant of the lactose fame, are the pangs of envy and cravings from not having always been so and wanting to consume, engorge, bathe in the many delicious dishes and creations that involve tremendous amounts of cheese, cream and any other dairy variations. And so, begins the disheartening tour of dairy-free alternatives and replacements to satiate oneself. Which, usually taste as gross as they look and at some point after trying watery sauces, plastic cheese and dry tasteless desserts you have to accept and acknowledge things will never be the same.

Dairy is its own unique entity. Its composition cannot be simply recreated, even with multiple ingredients to mimic each of its many attributes: sweet, smooth and creamy, deliciously hearty viscosity, savory, and even its refreshing simplicity-- it always pales in comparison.

There is always the ambitious route of creating your own dairy-free versions. Upon searching for recipes to recreate the magic of dairy you find a plethora of recipes that tout the similarities to its original dairy version. As expected, the reviews of it creates a sense of excitement with the details of how you'll never notice the difference and how they made it one night for their non-lactose intolerant friends and they had no idea it was made without dairy. It gives you hope, even though deep inside you know they're probably lying and their delusions have left them with no taste buds. You search and search to find a recipe that you could possibly see as being good, as something tasty-- no matter if it was supposed to be dairy-free or not.

My most recent ambition included making an alfredo sauce that would be creamy in the slightest. I found a recipe (touting all the same claims) and proceeded to go out and get the silken tofu, unflavored soy milk and crossed my fingers I would be able to down it all no matter how it turned out. For, in addition to this all being an inconvenience and a lot more effort, it also is a lot more expensive. So, you hope it's worth the $10 you just spent to replace the 1 cup of milk you'd need in the normal recipe.

I wash, rinse, cut, chop and all things go according to plan... the spices smell right, it looks right, it has the color, it has the consistency-- that's when I started to have this crazy idea. Maybe those reviews were right and think 'hey, maybe I really can fool some people into eating this.' I fell for the claims that this is a great fix and that those other non lactose intolerant people really did have no idea and they actually loved it!

My sister was around when I was done and was curious, she's of course much more skeptical of any ingredient being taken out or replaced for health reasons. She'll go for full fat versions of things to retain the integrity of taste-- essentially, she is hard to convince that anything made from a bean paste will be as good as a cheese sauce. In my head I am secretly thinking, maybe this will be it. Something that she may actually believe to be good. She would be one of the first of those lactose tolerant friends that I would try this recipe out on.

I almost can't wait for that first taste of it all together and finished. So, I sit down, because this is a real meal I've created from scratch and proceed to take the first bite to savor it: all the hard work, time, money spent to make this moment.... this absolutely... most definitely... and by far utter failure of a moment.

Hopes, dreams: crushed.

My sister sat next to me and asked, "So... how is it?"

I, naturally, never shared the previous delusions that this could've turned out so excellently and responded nonchalantly with a hint of bitterness, "not alfredo-like."

I came back to my senses and realized how foolish it was to ever really fall for such falsities and that it was my own fault for expecting the recipe I found online on someone's blog to be good at all. For the most part, it wasn't bad. It just clearly wasn't alfredo. It usually never is bad, but it always is still so clearly not the same.

So, in the end I was left with a huge pot of this lactose-free fakeness, and since I was hungry and spent all that time making it, I ate it. Begrudgingly, of course. I hatefully stabbed each piece of pasta covered in that foolish imitation wondering how stupid those guests had to have been. Then, I thought that maybe it wasn't the guests, it was the host whose lactose tolerant friends may indeed have had no idea it was dairy free. With that oblivion to the dish's ingredients the host may have taken it to be a compliment and found themselves caught up in their own odd fantasy of how excellent their culinary skills were and wrote their post accordingly. And of course, back in reality the guests indeed may not have truly known what it was in the sauce but assumed this person was just a really bad cook. 'Ohhh, that explains the grainy consistency-- I was afraid the milk had gone bad.'

I wasn't that upset about it, but I definitely wouldn't make it again, I 'll probably just opt for the real thing-- in small amounts, undoubtedly. I do have to say, that silken tofu adventure wasn't a complete loss-- it does make a nice smoothie. Even your non lactose-intolerant friends will LOVE IT!

These Magic Beans Are Useless

We have a mouse in our apartment.

While watching bad tv, me and my sister contemplated how this mouse got in and where it goes when it's not making its foul appearance running across the room. That conversation didn't go very far. There was bad tv to entertain us.

We watch bad tv because we can't change the channel without having to get up, and have no idea where the remote could've disappeared to. And, after going back and forth a couple times trying to convince each other it was one another's turn to change the channel we, of course, then concluded that the mouse ate it and it was his turn.

So I drew a picture to represent this kleptomaniac mouse. I also lost a jean skirt my freshmen year of college, I assume this mouse ate it too so that is depicted in the illustration as well.

Is No News really Good News?

I am the easiest sell in the world. At a going away party on the eve of a friend moving for a job in Boston, he asked if I wanted to go with him for the weekend since I don't really have any immediate obligations. I thought about it for roughly 2 seconds and I was sold.

The next morning, in a rented car me and two guys went to Boston. The trip included mostly just drinking and sitting in a car contemplating the likelihood of a stabbing of any given place-- that place looks stabby, that one looks nice, that one looks shooty.

But thats all I needed.

SO glad I didn't decide to move there though. I like New York.

On another note, it's time for me to go buy some clothes to further put off doing laundry.

'HAPPY V DAY!'

In the past few months I've received a text message from some unknown number wishing me a Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas and New year, respectively.

On New Years' when all this well wishing became too much to not inquire, I replied. After a series of texts, I find out that it's a man who refers to himself as Uncle Bubba, and thinks I am his niece. I inform him there is no way and that he has the wrong number.

Glad we could clear this up...

I wake up today to a another text from Uncle Bubba: "HAPPY V DAY!"

I give up. I suppose being wished a happy holiday isn't so bad, even if no one in my family cares... I know that atleast Uncle Bubba will always be wishing me a happy one. All of them.


Happy Valentine's Day, Uncle Bubba.

(even though i think it's a stupid holiday)

Let's Sumo!

10 Songs: Part I

I was going to put up the top 10 songs of the moment, but I found these songs in my itunes and decided to go a different way: backwards... to high school.

Here they are in no particular order, and no good reason:

Blink 182- Dammit
I was obsessed with this song for many, many years. It reminds me of a birthday gift mix tape I got from Kim. This tape also included Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On', which by the third viewing of Titanic in theaters the part where Jack died seemed to be comical rather than tragic. Perhaps it was the fact that I realized that I just watched the longest movie ever, willingly, and multiple times and that was more tragic than the movie. [edit: this actually was middle school, but the song carried over into high school, college, now and forever?]

Rooney - Floor
This may actually be freshmen year of college... I sometimes run it together with high school. Its all the same, but I remember me, Kim, and (I think) Harmony having dinner with half the band before one of their shows. Actually, many of these songs have a Kim relation and/or sourcing. That was also when the tips of my hair was a magnificently bright magenta.

Sir Mix A Lot - Baby Got Back
I still know all the words to this song, and sang it in a cab in Rome once when the cab driver wouldn't let us turn on the radio. This song reminds me of when Stacey, Jen and I would be riding in the 'Happy Honda' on our way to the football games. I had no school spirit, we painted cougar paws on people's faces for 50 cents a cheek... and a triple x throw down. (Yes, thats a lie.)

The Strokes - Last Nite
In the beginnings of the 'The' band explosion, I fell in love with Nick Valensi and then turns out I liked the music too. A lot. Oh, fond memories of having Kim buy me tickets to the show, then being sick and not able to go... and then finding out she went and met some of the band. I was saddened. Good times. Good times.

Dynamite Hack - Boyz In Da Hood
This was one of those many Numbers club shows where we went and then followed it up with a classic stop at Denny's because that was the only thing open late at night and we didn't really want to go home after shows. Later our late night stop would be House Of Pies... because it was a house of pies and of course, we tried them all. I could go for some Bayou Goo right now.

Mighty Mighty Bosstones - The Impression That I get
My very first concert played at the now closed and destroyed Astroworld. It was the beginning of a beautiful relationship... Kim would want to see a band and I would say 'yes'. Simple as such. I'm also pretty sure I had no idea what they sang before I'd seen them play. I was so young, so naive.[edit: reason #234983 i'm old and my memory is going, the first band was Big Bad Voodoo Daddy-- NOT Mighty Mighty Bosstones. Still saw both, but I'm leaving it up. Reason #1: I am lazy.]

Sublime - What I Got
Another precious moment waiting in line at Astroworld waiting to ride the Cyclone (or another ride of some such), I can't remember if I started or someone else did... but these lyrics were spoken about in quite the bonding of strangers. Even if momentarily.

The Moldy Peaches - Jorge Regula
Ok, I admit I didn't already have this from highschool(or yet again, possibly early college) ... but in light of Juno I remembered it and now it reminds me of all the random things Kim would make me listen to and how I ended up really liking it. Although, this one took a little longer to like, but I remember this song made me laugh.

The Hippos - Wasting My Life
Warped Tour... 2000? This is when I got a free t-shirt and we met these guys and one of them asked if I had some gum, but misheard him thinking he'd just asked if I had a sandwich. If only I did. The following Warped Tour was the day before senior picture day and I was in a mosh pit so worried I was going to have a black eye in the yearbook. Although, looking back on it-- it would've been great if i did have a black eye in the yearbook.

Ludacris - Fantasy
More 'Happy Honda' moments with Stacey, Jen and sometimes Bridget. Back seat, windows up; thats the way you like to... oh, yes this is another gem that I know most of the words to still. I knew them better back then and would write the lyrics on my notes in the margin. I still have pre-cal notes with 'I wanna lick you from your head to your toes' written on it. I really loved math.

AND that concludes our trip to the golden years of 1998 to 2002.

I Used To Be Your Biggest Fan

I've learned that I may be a hopeless romantic... minus the romance. Hopeless. I am a hopeless.

I've also recently learned to knit.

And snowboard.

So...that's all I've learned, and now you've learned what I know. Quite a prosperous day, yes?